It was great – I love the enthusiasm and poetry you express your feelings about math and your relationship to math. I wouldn’t change a thing although you could add one additional thing at the end: A call to action. Maybe a paragraph complimenting the University’s expertise and that you know that they are just the right people that will help you climb higher
You’ve come this far. I see every reason that you will progress even higher – Well done on your progress thus far, and your clear enthusiasm shines through. It’s bound to grab a heart and mind or two as they look over personal statements and go , You know what, he’s a good fit. Bring him on board.