well, that’s the nature of the experience to me. There’s not a before, during and after. It’s all that, none of that. It’s not pleasant or unpleasant, numb or painful. It’s not a surveyor but a participant. No documentarian.. no narrator voice

well, that’s the nature of the experience to me. There’s not a before, during and after. It’s all that, none of that. It’s not pleasant or unpleasant, numb or painful. It’s not a surveyor but a participant. No documentarian.. no narrator voice
Bits and pieces. First recall it when I was getting training to stop stuttering when I was 8 years old. I had to create a little nugget of space within which to work out what I was feeling/saying/thinking. A little work space. A waiting room. A pause. I’ve expanded it in various ways since then. The biggest help was at 11 years old when I learned biofeedback and guided meditation to control generalized anxiety. They hooked me up to a computer and I had to control it with my emotions, listening to tapes of “breathing through my feet” and such. It helped.
Various religious questings helped each in their own ways. In my late teens, I experimented with Vipisanna meditation – with whatever was available in a little used book I got on it.
 From age 13-18, I was the custodian of my methodist church as an after school job. I remember at 14 looking around thinking “this place needs more candles”. In my late 20s, I was full on into the Russian Orthodox church. It had the Jesus Prayer – their meditation thing – and I stayed at a monestary for a little while. there I had more than a few “a-ha” sparkings while doing the 5am singings and stuff. Brain / emotion expanding things. I suspect if I ever got into Sufi it would be similar. but those are fullness. I’ve also had more void. 24 years old, sitting on a beach with friends. As they played in the water, I looked at a grain of sand and had a “traveling into the grain of sand” experience. Now THAT kind of experience i have more frequently, going deep into fractals, into cracks of pavement, gaps between spaces
 At 12, I had a traveling through the universe experience while on a camping trip. It was like a series of pressures interplaying with each other with a sense of velocity. I’d simply asked myself, “What would the universe be like without color?” and I probably sat there for some time having that experience. They’re all distinct but of a similar out of ‘here’ character.
 What amazes me is that they’re highly unique, personal experiences and yet they are also categorized. Mystical experiences, oneness, ecstatic trance, spiritual awe, enlightenment, dissolution of time / self,
 indeed ,that’s been my experience as well. I actually spent 3-5 months back in 2013 trying to literally capture my thoughts: watching and documenting simultaneously without interfering. I used index cards. Ended up with thousands – I was constantly buying them. I wrote down every thought I could as it happened best I could.
 I was actively living life while documenting so they weren’t always ‘thoughts from within’ but they can equally have been inspired by whatever I was watching / reading at the time, etc. People around me knew of my project so they were forgiving of my eccentricity
 oh it’s all part of the ongoing documenting process. It’s also characteristic of my operational style. I’ve been taking notes my whole adult life. I have a hundreds of pocket sized notepads I used prior to my first palm pilot in 2k, and later iphone. But the notepads carried on until I had a reliable electronic system I could depend on. Oh it’s not choiceless. But it’s theraputic. I find it irritating to lose my thoughts.
 I don’t file or categorize them: I have a categorization problem I think, something else I’m tackling or trying to. But I like to capture my thoughts when I can. Not all of them. But it’s very annoying to forget things.
 oh yes, the making sense-of is ongoing. While I do things I ask myself “why am I doing this?” and I have to justify why I’m doing what I’m doing while I’m doing it, or else I might stop
Noticing when I lost a thought
I watch the rising and falling and disappearing
I notice the amplifying so it remains
4-6 seconds unless I amplify it or chain it somehow
  don’t record as obsessively as I did during that experiment. The notepads were mostly to-do lists, random musical fragments I didn’t want to lose, etc. I get lots of “insight” moments and I don’t like losing them, even if I never pursue the thought later on
 Well, since I started my “thought collector” experiment in 2013 – with the website starting in 2014 http://icopiedyou.com – part of it was capturing my thoughts away from facebook google etc so they wouldn’t get deleted (because digital memory is fickle when you depend on a company). But mostly for analysis. I ask myself; I do these things. Why do I do these things? Why is this subject interesting to me? etc
I’m not good at comparing people. But I notice that you and I seem to play a similar tune


My problem with reduction – and it’s an ongoing one – is that there’s many ways to reduce because there’s many ways to generalize. Narrowing and broadening have the same issue.
 One of my ongoing fascinations is the simple / What’s the nature of the /? yes/no, true/false, high/low – what’s in the gap? what’s inbetween?
 I’ve been greatly relieved to discover the arbitrariness of categorization is a universal thing – which doesn’t take away from its pragmatic value at all — but now it leaves me with “types”. What types do I reduce to? I wanted to go with a singular type but it’s inadequate beyond the very beginning of things.
 Yes, pragmatic seems to be best way to not lose momentum to inspiration. yet, what about when you don’t exist? What is its value when self isn’t?
What of ecological value? I think a lot of what drives me is the complex movements of communication in living complex beings.
So for example, one of my projects has been “liking”. I don’t do it on Facebook because of how they use as a gauge (instead i play games with them, testing the AI to change its views about me) – but in normal social networks, I’d find people who have very few followers but who are obvious (to me) creative people who WANT to extend themselves “out there”.
Well every performer needs someone clapping.
So I click a like. I’ll do this for a dozen, hundreds, thousands of people on a given social network. Doesn’t take long – sitting on the toilet time maybe – but it adds up.
I don’t know what kind of impact a like will have on a person because I don’t know their life at that moment.
 Since my first time online though, whatever I was doing – school or work, I would spend as much time as possible online doing this kind of thing. 1989 first got on. In the mid 1990s at various jobs, I’d sneak in diskettes and respond to people’s messages when nobody was looking, bring them home and upload my replies and download the new messages, all while doing whatever work I was supposed to be doing
 What I wonder though: What about ecological value? That is, if you did not exist, would your actions have service to the world in some way?
I believe there is a lot of the world that I don’t and won’t and can’t experience. I believe there is an infinity within yet it is a bounded infinity and others have their own bounded infinities
by bounded i don’t mean enclosed but that there’s always some ‘beyond’ that’s just out of reach

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