Tossed and turned, had trouble sleeping.

The… Love Transmitter… oh I really need a better phrase for that… sounds awful… I found myself going there after getting this cryptic message from a guy who used to be an active member of the various Philosophy forums.

All I got was this. No reply to my reply. Yesterday – in fact, it was 24 hours ago now.

My mind went to the worst possibilities – I had to keep pushing those out of my head. I know he had just been to Lahore Pakistan about two months ago, just moved to Colorado with his wife… had been in Texas.. all on work visas.

And then… _this_.

I wrestled with what it could mean. Did he just have to drop everything and get called to serve (military)? We don’t have conscription in the USA but we used to (before my time) and a lot of countries and cultures still have consciption:

Your called. You drop everything. Your whole life. And you serve.

Just like that. “Bye Forever” is just what it means. Life as you know it is done and dead and you have to start a new job as a soldier.

I had to push that out of my head. Hard to do. I kept telling myself, “He just left Facebook, that’s all. He’s getting offline to focus on important things because it was a distraction for him”.

etc….

Tossed and turned, had trouble sleeping. All the while, I was hoping the best for him. Not for any particular outcome, just that he was well and that he was “ok” with wherever life was throwing him into.

Even if death, if that was ok with his way of thinking. Didn’t matter. As long as it was in the “ok for him” realm, I was ok with it.

So this morning, I talked it over with someone. They pointed out, “He’s probably getting harassed. Online. Paris and all that. Or maybe the local people in Colorado are harassing him. Or maybe the local police or state or federal government is giving him a hard time. After all, he was JUST in Pakistan”.

And with that, I felt better That’s the most likely scenario. He’s getting harassed and bullied and he decided to get off of online already.

But still, there was and is a part of me, all throughout this … I hate saying it, Love transmitter” period which was a good 17 hrs on and off… I just couldn’t get it out of my head… I kept wondering, “What if”.

What if he was never supposed to get involved.

What if he made friends, participated in discussions, and started pursuing a future that he knew wasn’t his.

Bothered me terribly. Had to give him my best – it was the only way to keep releasing the worry, and start thinking the best possibilities for him.

So now, I believe he just got offline because of online harassment. I have to go with that.

But anyway, that’s an example of “love transmitter” idea. The kind of prayer that helps release the stranglehold of worry. Has psychological benefits and… who knows what else it might benefit. I don’t know.

yet with all of this, I consider myself agnostic. This is precisely *why* I consider myself agnostic and could never be atheist. I simply don’t know.

Still concerns me. I keep the chat tab here. I’ll close it eventually, but it reminds me to keep hopes up for him. The funny thing is.. this is the only contact we ever had personally. I guess I was the only one who was online for him to say “Bye Forever” to.

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