Stimming thoughts by Kenneth Udut

(This has been one of the most fasctinating set of comments I have read in a very long time, about anything).

I suspect highly that I have aspergers or something along the autistic spectrum.

The girl that touches the fingers sequentially and looks at you while moving her head: I do that – and I never really thought much about it ’til the last week or so thought for real that I might have aspergers.

You should see if she is musical – see if she has perfect pitch, could play musical instruments. I’d love to see if that stim is related to music. I’ve played the piano since a toddler, had lessons since I was five, and couldn’t understand why other people couldn’t make music out of any instrument, or bottles, or 5 gallon buckets, etc.

As a toddler through to today, I strum my fingers against tables, have to fight the strong urge to TOUCH everything in the store (I don’t, but REALLY want to), never quite figured out the right timing to look at people, talk VERY quietly or too loud, make comments that get ppl to say “Did HE just say THAT!?”…

I’m almost moving some muscle somewhere in my body. The focus shifts. I either look up/down/side-to-side, cross and uncross my ankles, wiggle my fingers (I do that EVERYWHERE, especally wiggling the tips of my fingers), make slightly funny faces (they amuse me – I’m doing it now).

I’m very introspective, clumsy walking (unless I walk quickly – otherwise I don’t quite know where to put my feet), like to babble songs in a made up language (too bad I’m not in a talking-in-tongues group – I would do it in a heartbeat, anytime, anywhere, if it were socially acceptable).

addicted to cigarettes (again, engages the senses, like a mini-meditation). Rocks front to back when playing the piano – and when I’m tired, shake my feet.

And all of these little things I do thousands of times a day amuse me greatly. They keep me happy, satisfied. Some mini faces (like an elvis curl of the lip) make me chuckle.

I type at 110-130wpm (even with a broken laptop keyboard), find it sometimes painful after a shower for 20-30 mins and drying off. Skin feels like its crawling and a deep itch – its not mere dry skin, although mega b-vitamins and magnesium and zinc seems to help calm the nerves down).

Do I have aspergers? Heck if I know. I figured it was ADHD, too much coffee, anxiety disorder, agoraphobia, or some other thing. But having aspergers would make a WHOLE lot of sense.

My brain works 10,000% better than my mouth. I feel like Moses who had to have his brother do all the talking because Moses had speech difficulties. Stuttered as a kid. Had to get biofeedback to control what mom calls those times I was “Inconsolable” – I’d get upset and wouldn’t listen to anybody or anything ’til I was done).

I have a naive, positive outlook on life, yet I’ve learned skepticism and to be unsurprised when people have nefarious motives, even though I can’t fully understand it. Always have a backup plan, get comfortable with Murphy’s Law – anticipate it, even. Keep a child-like outlook but be as skeptical yet as fair as a good court judge, or a minister, or college professor or schoolteacher.

And I’ve never really known anybody like myself except when volunteering for the cerebral palsy center in union nj many many years ago (I’m in naples, fl now). I felt a real connection to the kids and teens who had cp, downs, emotional problems, autism – and this was back in ’93 or so).

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