EMBARASS MYSELF TIME Don’t Read: It’s about Romance. _UGH Ok, warned you
But I share it for education, in case someone is in a breakup to show how dumb it looks when you’re on the ‘other side’.
“You’re the only one for me” type love can make you stupid, desperate and to those that have the strength for it, congrats. Really. – congrats.
The following is a letter I wrote to a girlfriend after she broke up with me when I was 20 years old, after an online relationship that lasted a few years. It’s drippy, sappy, and desperate. Totally embarrassing, “Not Me” and it reads like something out of a really bad movie plot. But I really wrote it. I really sent it. And… it really got me nowhere because the relationship was over and I was too wrapped up to see it.
I really hope nobody reads it. But maybe someone out there needs to see it, to compare to themselves and their own love-sick shtuff.
If you don’t need it, don’t read it. Warned you. I’m blushing at the thought of pasting it here but here we go. #yolo and all that shit.
May 8, 1992 @ 12:30am
Dear XXXXX,
Sometimes it’s easy to forget how much you love someone. I have a sick feeling that I was forgetting, until tonight reminded me. All I seem to do at times is complain, complain, complain. About XXXX, about my money problems, about XXXXX, and about you. It’s easy to get caught up in one’s own stupid, petty little problems until you suddenly realize that there is something out there that’s 1000% more important.
XXXX, you are the most important thing in my life. I laid down tonight, dead tired for no particular reason. I then starting crying. Not the 1-tear type cry either. A regular stream of tears. […..] I pictured in my mind how happy I’m going to be when I’m by your side. Even now as I think about it, it hurts.
I think I wrote a note to you in that package of postcards regarding XXXX and XXXX and all that. Ignore it. It’s just the ramblings of a fool who just doesn’t think before he types.
I wish I was a poet. I’m sitting here in front of the computer, crying the eyes out of my head, sick with the emptiness. I’m a level away from expunging everything inside of me. My hair is standing on end, my stomach is turning, and I’m searching… searching for a way to get the f___ out of this depression. It’s a mini-depression, and I know that, once I distract myself with food, a shower, or a book, I’ll be able to go to sleep without too much worry. But, until then, I’m gonna feel this way.
I have a major problem that I beg of you to help me work through. It’s the fear of growing up and leaving behind my past. I need to make a clean break from a crappy childhood and a shittier teenage life. I need to find a social life – a group of people that I can turn to for comfort. I’m a loner who usually doesn’t need people much. However, once in a while, I realize that I really DO need people, and that I’ve been blocking that need off with all of my might.
Maybe I’m not making sense. But I think you understand. In the constant rush rush rush forward, I need to stop for a moment and take a step back. Unfortunately, when I turn around and look backwards towards my past, I look at a majority of things that just didn’t work. I look at happy things that I know that I can NEVER go back to. Sad things that will always be that way. Forever is a dirty word, in many cases, and this is one of them.
I don’t really want to go back, but the urge pops up once in a while, and not always in the most pleasant form. This is one of those times. I’m desperate to call you, XXXXX, but I can’t, and it’s driving me batty.
There’s only one solution to this problem. I must be with you. It’s simple. I need you, XXXXXX. Just the […..] is enough to make me content enough to move on. I don’t know how I’m managing to survive without you. I guess I can move on because I can look forward to the day that we’ll be together.
At times like these, though, it’s not enough. I need the REAL you, XXXXXX. There’s no such thing as a substitute at times like these. […..] I need YOU, XXXXX! My eyes are closed right now as I’m typing, and the image of you is making me cry. Amazing how tears feel from beneath closed lids.
I actually lay up there in bed starting to pray to God. It’s at times like these (and there aren’t many in my life) that God seems to be the only thing that’s near, and even God’s not nearly enough. I’m glad for God, though. While I’m not sure if s/he exists, it’s at least a tiny comfort to think that MAYBE something’s out there listening. I may be go back into a church. If nothing else, I may just start talking to my minister. If they can find a place for God in my life, and if the meager belief that there is a God is there, then it will help me.
I need you, XXXXXX. I haven’t felt this poorly since you […..]. Actually, it’s worse, because I don’t even have the […….]. :'(
:’ ”’ ‘-”(
Oh – what I would do to hear a “Hey Ken?” coming from behind me, in that angelic voice of yours!!! I think I’d sincerely FAINT! (and I’ve NEVER fainted before!)
Some things in life are worth waiting for. You are worth dying for.
Love, your lovesick […..],
****************
DID YOU THROW UP YET? So freakin’ sappy. So, here you go. Just let it be known if you find yourself going through breakup trouble, you just might find yourself … doing… something… like… …. that. Ugh.
By the way, notice what I did up there. TOTALLY put all the blame on her. “shitty childhood/crappy teenage/even God might not be enough to stop the pain… but YOU ARE…?
Ugh. 20 year old me. meh. I was smarter when I was younger and smarter when I was older, but I was really stupid at 20. 😛