Pride and humility, authenticity and acting

Pride for me has somewhat of a strange layer-cakeness to it.

Deep down, I feel pride in myself. Self-esteem? I don’t know what that is really, but that’s probably what it is. But I’ve learned to hide it and appear humble when necessary. I also listen to the advice of others and consider it. Being wrong is a useful tool for me for self-improvement and doesn’t affect my sense of pride. Is accepting being wrong, humility? I don’t know. I don’t like being wrong at first, but I’ve grown to appreciate its value and now seek out opportunities to be wrong.

Yet I also appear boastful at times. I speak of my achievements and use myself as an example frequently. I do that for authenticity, because I don’t believe I can honestly speak for the entire human race, as much as I’d like to, so i use myself.

Some people don’t like it. And that’s fine.

I am proud of the achievements of others. Not so much the big things, but the little things. I get a heart-felt sense of pride when I notice a realization in someone’s eyes or words or actions, a spurt of growth in some direction that seems beneficial to me. I don’t always point it out, because that can kill it. Sometimes I do, if they seem to want the support.

So what’s real and authentic and what’s acting and what’s fooling myself? Heck if I know. I honestly think sometimes that I’m just a dog barking. <— false humility or real? A bit of both most likely.

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