I hope you find your way out. I believe you can. How though, I’m not sure. What annoys you the least, besides drugs, that you don’t mind doing each day? Maybe doing more of something you don’t mind doing could bring you out of some of it. Maybe.
I have an insatiable curiousity about certain subjects that keeps me going. I enjoy researching things and have several ongoing projects.
I live in my head and I have a “no emotional manipulation” policy in my brain. Even TV commercials. I get angry when I feel as if I’m being emotionally manipulated and I shut it out or even leave the room.
I do the same with people or at least try. Takes constant practice, and being surrounded by emotional manipulators gives me PLENTY of opportunities to practice my skills and standing firm and rational, trying to keep from being pulled into somebody else’s negative/angry/jealous/downward-spiral worlds.
Other things I do is create. I make Vines for example. Silly thing – 6 second videos. I’ve made 13,000+ so far over the past two years and somehow gathered a bunch of followers. So I make it a mission to respond to everybody publically and try to boost their self-esteem by liking and commenting on their videos.
Service. I think that’s what it is. Maybe I can be the world to someone without even knowing it one day. Maybe not, but i keep at it.
I guess what I mean is, I have a lot of coping skills that I use to fight depression and anger alike… and I have to practice them frequently because I have a natural tendency to get overwhelmed by stuff very quickly.
Anyway, that’s my tale. I don’t see any reason you couldn’t continue doing exactly what you do, just maybe a little more of “something else” each day – not as a replacement, but an “add-on”.