“Just notice me.”

That was a very well written piece – thank you smile emoticon

You write in a similar style that i often write in, although you are far more thorough, I believe, than I.

A few years back, somebody characterized my writing style:

“That was a nice rant.”

I was taken aback and offended!

“What do you mean “a rant”? I wasn’t ranting! I was just passionately expressing my opinion.

“Yes,” my friend replied. “It’s a rant. There’s nothing wrong with a rant.”

“Yeah, but.. it’s MORE than a rant! People need to see that…”

“It’s a rant, Ken. That’s what it’s called.”

“A rant… but it’s so much more…” my voice trailing away.

My friend just watched me in silence as the cognitive dissonance began to settle down.

I pretended we didn’t have that conversation for a bit and switched the topic. I don’t know if I ever let my friend know that I finally agreed that rant is an acceptable word and that I’m ok with it. But I am now.

Knowing how my writing style can be perceived, allowed me to stop and modify things a bit and experiment with other styles. I’ve been finding more and more of “my voice” in the process. It’s still something I’m working on. I never “didn’t have” my voice – it’s always been quite strong… but it’s proven helpful in expanding my audience.

I realized one day, “What am I doing all of this for? Why am I always writing? Why am I always ENGAGING with people online? What is my _real purpose_?

and I realized what it was…. so simple.

“Just notice me.”

Just notice me. I realized at that point… perhaps that’s what _everybody_ wants when they communicate. They want validation. They want, “Yes, you exist and I see you.”

Sometimes I find I have to go to great lengths to convince someone I see them.

If they come at me argumentatively, I realize they have MANY LAYERS of shields to go through for me to see “them”. I have to play a game. So… I play.

But I play by my own rules.

My goal?

Make a friend.

How do I make a friend?

I meet them toe to toe on their terms at first. If they want a hug, a friendly slap on the shoulder, a fist bump, a pat on the head that says, “You’re there. Hi!” then that’s what I give.

If they want to wrestle, I’ll wrestle. I’ll give them the wrestling match they want but not in the way they expect. I’ll give them 100% of ME, and they’ll know it… and I’ll gladly declare them victor, after putting up a decent fight, to the point of exhaustion, so long as, at the end of it all, we become friends.

They’ll know I understand them at a level few do, even if I don’t agree with them. Even if they think me a fool or an idiot. They’ll know that I “mean them no harm” and I’m willing to play along, if a little weirdly.

And so I do.

I ask myself each night, “Who am I serving right now?”

I look at the screen. I see who is in front of me. I try to think of what will serve their needs best. What will serve my interests best. WHAT CAN I DO to let them know, “Hey! I see _YOU_ over there!” while also letting them know, “Hey, you see me too here, right?”

Seems to work. I enjoy my every encounter in some way, for I always learn something.

I know this has little to do with the OP, or with what you said, or with anything in particular that came before. But for me, the fact that it’s coming out of me right now on the keyboard, to me, means it may have some import.

It might not.

But… here it is just the same smile emoticon

I suppose, in the end, I really don’t _know_ what narcissism is… whether or not it’s “me” or who else it might apply to. But I’ve discovered that i tend to describe my thoughts utilizing my own experiences best of all, so I just let that process happen. I think about how I’ll be perceived both by the one I’m talking to, and to others who may trip over it one day… so I write in a general fashion while also attempting to be specific… and I try to stay subjective, as really, it’s the only thing I have the slightest chance of being an authority on  :P

and thank you again for being my muse tonight. For whatever reason, however unrelated it may appear, I felt inspired by something you said – and I don’t know what, and I appreciate greatly opportunities to do a “brain dump”; it’s the only way I seem to be able to ‘see myself’.

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