Oh you mean that angst you get when you’re at a crossroads in life, it seems none of your childhood dreams will ever come to fruition, there’s no point to it all, why bother but you plod along anyway because you only got one death and might as well fill up the time with whatever’s mildly entertaining enough to avoid just staring off into space until vulture’s start plucking your eyes out because they think you’re dead when you’re not and you really don’t care ’cause at least the pain makes you feel something so you get manically involved into projects with all of your energy because you could be dead at any moment and might as well make the most of the moment?
Yeah, that’s me age 8 —> and actually, I like it. I get anxiety attacks otherwise.
My problem is: I’m a creator without a focus. I don’t have a theme or themes. I don’t want a following, although I like nice comments now and again. I’m not sociopathic enough to tell ppl I got all the answers even though I could ’cause I do. I’m egotistical to the point of humility, people say I’m “so abstract” as if it’s a good thing… it can be frustrating. But, I just keep making shit.
Life advice: Don’t be an original. Collect, copy and share instead. If you’re unique, you’ll spend all your time trying to find people who ‘get you’ and then when you find them, you don’t know what to do with them, so you end up trying to shake them off when they get too close. Meh. I like my life though. Can’t complain
anyway, yeah, i suspect I’m ADHD or some kind of aspie, I dunno. I’m always attracted to the speedier things. Read up on Low Latent Inhibition: describes me to a T, although I don’t know if it’s a real thing or not. Yeah, adderal type thing is something I probably should be on.
I broke the test years ago taking it too many times (I can test for all 16 types successfully now) – but before then, INFP. About 65 I / 35 E, very high intuition, about 55 F / 45 T, very high Perceiving, although I’ve been working on developing the J for the past … 17 yrs or so. [first took MBTI online in 1994, started experimenting with modifying myself after a year or two of finding “my people” and chatting it up online].
Apr 5, 1994. [I found my first mention of it – been collecting my online writings into a database].
Yeah, I think self-work is good. In theory, i *should* be a hippie living by a windmill, singing kumbaya and spouting mystical things when ppl interrupt me making my hammered copper musical instruments that the wind plays with the name “Spiffy Feather Toe” in Oregon somewhere.
But I know too much. Dang it.
All roads point to “that’s what I should be”. A hippie teacher at a special ed middle school classroom based on Sudbury or Summerhill “unschooling” model walking barefoot wearing a sari. I know ’cause that’s my nature. But, born + raised in Jersey, I got enough George Carlin to balance it out.
wasn’t kidding about the special ed. I paid for this career test like 14 years ago online. MAPP. It’s the _best_ career test I ever took. Nailed me to a T. My #1 was “Middle School Teacher, Special Ed”. And – it’s right. Why don’t I pursue it? ’cause i know better. But I know I’d be great at it. Instead, I use the transferable skills for other things: everybody I talk to is “not on the bell curve”: whether they’re “talented + gifted” (which is also special ed) or “slow learner” (I hate that term) – it still requries treating ppl individually and taking them as they are.
So, not an entire waste. Anyway – thanks for the unexpected cathartic reveal. It’s good being a misfit without a sense of community: helps you know what really matters to you.
Thanks man. I might end up pursuing some kind of pill option: I’ve gone “all natural” for a long time, always knowing something like welbutrin or adderal or lorazapam or something should be in my system. need a diagnosis of course (and a health care plan) but if I get either of those, I’ll be on top of it.
Good thing is: you’re undead right now. Your list of “cans” might not be as long as your list of “can’ts” but you’re not your bank account or your relationships. You’re a smart guy and whatever you’re doing, you’re not doing it wrong. You don’t need a career or purpose to define you. You don’t need a definition. You exist. Most things in the Universe don’t. That’s something.