If you get a little OCD about stuff, EVERYTHING is seems unpredictable… and maddening 
🙂 It’s amazing how many things are out of place.
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eah, I hate having to interpret my own body language. Is my body in the right position? What’s my facial expression right now? How is it being perceived? It’s annoying. I have to say “fuck it” most of the time but it’s hard because I want to project properly but I don’t have enough data to know for sure. Probably why I prefer online.
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Yup. that’s the loop. I hate it. I end up having to consciously decide not to care what certain people think which I hate doing. I have to assume they’re reading me wrong and I can’t stop that and hope that my other words/actions make up for whatever perceived problems they’re reading.. or not care how they receive me.
But I have to be careful with that too. if I start saying, “fuck you I don’t care what you think” in my mind, I can’t let it show on my face at all. People can pick up on some of that. So, it’s a challenge.
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Yeah some of the reactions are learned when we’re babies and/or mammalian. I’m not trying to control what people see in the way a sociopath or actor does, but I still have to have some social shields up. Don’t like it. I want 100% authenticity all of the time but the vulnerability isn’t worth it. So, it’s a constant compromise.
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But when I’m around people I can “be myself” around? Shields are down and I’m a goofy goober.
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