I tried a generic Wellbutrin to stop smoking. It worked but I had a bad-bad reaction – whole body swelled up slowly and everything swelled huge – skin got tight… over a week’s period of time. It scared the crap out of me yet too stupid to go to doctor. But, I got through it and vowed not to touch it again.
Now, here’s how it relates: My mind is always inwardly and outwardly facing at the same time, but far more inward. I’m always checking my thoughts and feelings against other thoughts and feelings against the outer world in an attempt to continually reconcile. Constant chatter. It’s my constant companion.
20 minutes after taking the FIRST Wellbutrin, I was in a Walmart. I observed my inner world falling away and the outer world suddenly was INTERESTING for the first time in my life. Like – REALLY interesting. I commented to the person I was with: “It’s gone. I don’t hear my thoughts. I’m just …exuding from nowhere.”
It wasn’t a bad feeling either. I was on it for two weeks before getting the horrible week long whole body swelling reaction.
I’d try to catch my thoughts but they just weren’t there. Gone. I’m used to losing my words when I speak, forgetting what I’m talking about – but now, that was happening to my thoughts. A few mental words but not even a complete sentence would stay.
I can’t remember anything much about that two week period. I know I did stuff. Lived life. Probably did a lot of the same things I always did, but I don’t know what they were. My recording device was switched off.
This is the first time I wrote about this, first time I thought about it.
So how important are thoughts? I don’t know. I guess for awareness of self and as a recording mechanism.