I am who I am at this moment in time.
The moment in time for me is about 4 seconds long, with a 1 second ramp up and ramp down on either side for a total of about 6-7 seconds.
Underneath is a murmur fighting for attention from within while processing the “outside of me” in a firehose strong stream with multiple inputs, none functioning properly but I work with what I have.
In the midst is my 6 second bubble. That’s me.
I’m constantly waking up. It’s annoying but it’s how it is.
It’s probably ADHD or something like that. I actually timed it about 4 yrs ago. It took a while to nail it down, observing the ups and downs of emotions and words and sounds and what I saw and felt with my skin and internally.
I didn’t try to control it but I watched my attentiveness.
I’d “lose” my attention within a few seconds and get it back but it was changed – a new state emerged.
It’s happening right now. Starts when I wake up.
I ignore it as much as I can – this grasping desperation to not lose what I’m thinking of or feeling usually runs on automatic, with enough coffee. But I can notice my noticing myself even then and drop into a moment of meditation.
Sucks if it’s in the middle of a store while reading ingredients.
Thankfully, this inner drama is invisible and I think of it as just how my mechanisms mechanate.
I don’t think it’s anything special but I won’t speculate too much whether there’s anything universal about it.
You nailed it. Being able to continually make course corrections has been very useful.
As a boy, I suffered from “generalized anxiety” and could get stuck in a state my mother referred to as “inconsolable”. I still don’t fully know what that means.
Thankfully, from anti-stuttering lessons in 3rd grade to biofeedback training in 5th/6th, to other self-awareness experiments through the years, I can ramp down within a few seconds if anxiety kicks in.
Not always though but it’s constant work.
It’s a fight for self integrity, I’d say. I don’t know quite what that means on a grander scale, but it’s like inheriting a broken leaking ship on rough waters and constantly keeping the steam engines running smoothly while fixing leaks and also enjoying the ride.
Mind you, I don’t like boats.