From distraction to obsession, to bewilderment, to distraction, to obsession to bewilderment. I’m on a quest to understand why I am how I am but without fully understanding what I am in the hope that if I understand myself someday, maybe I’ll understand others too. It’s probably an impossible quest but in the meantime I try to send out little seeds of hope where I can, not knowing if they’ll take root but I try. I try not to judge myself too harshly because I am the subject of my own experiment and I’m not here to judge my subject but to study. That said, I still kick myself constantly but reminding myself I feel like an alien scientist who doesn’t know fully “why anything” sets me back on track.
Plus, being in scientific mode helps me away from dealing with feelings too deeply. I try to make my feelings into clouds and I watch them pass by. I feel them, I see them, but I let them do their thing and pass. I don’t know if that works for anybody else.