It’s normal. Everything you do and are going through right now, is normal. It’s a process. As many people that have mapped it out, psychoanalyzed it, systemized it, found all the patterns… comfort is scant and scarce and hard to find. It’s there. You’ll find it. I could tell you the list of patterns, but they’re patterns, they’re not you. You’re you and your relationship with your father is uniquely yours.
Sustaining isn’t comfort – but it’s what you have to work with.
It’s like having to eat glass.
Please don’t eat glass but any analogy here is going to suck.
It’s normal to love him. To hate him. To hate yourself. To hate everybody. It’s normal to suddenly not care then burst into tears, break shit. Feel nothing. Feel everything. All of it, every single thought or action, word or deed, feeling – is yours. You can’t predict what you’ll do/think/feel next. Nobody can. I sure can’t.
Hate someone who thinks their helping but has no real clue, then feel guilty afterwards? Normal. Feeling like normal is the last thing you can possibly be right now? Normal.
The irony is, there’s NOTHING normal about what you’re going through right now. NOTHING. So everything I said above, entirely hollow, void, meaningless bullshit. I know it is. I think it’s true, but what do I know? I’m not you right now.
I just hope you find a way to get some of what your feeling out of _you_ somehow.
Talking, expressing, breaking stuff, cleaning… something… something that gives you at least a tiny bit of safe feeling.
I just want to say “Thank you” for coming to your friends here for help. I trust that you’re getting at least some of what you need at present and I hope that you continue to get that you need at every point in this shitty process that nobody should have to go through, especially not you. Your father didn’t deserve what happened, and you don’t deserve this right now. It’s not fair and I’m deeply sorry. Cope well.