“every post he makes widens my mind even further then it already was before, and each post teaches me something as well as makes me feel something.”

“I really have no words for this ._.
I’m just gonna slap this on a concrete slate where the entire world can see and say there is a reason why I receive notifications from this man, and there is a reason why I follow this man.
every post he makes widens my mind even further then it already was before, and each post teaches me something as well as makes me feel something.
after reading just 1 post I believe it was 1 or 2 years ago everytime I see a notification from +KENNETH UDUT, I tap, and I read.

p.s. it’s kinda sad that I learn more from 1 person on the internet then I do from 8 to 14 teachers in school =H= and HE DOESN’T EVEN GIVE ME HOMEWORK XDDD ”

==

Kenneth-Udut-I-learn-more-from-him-than-school

==== my response ====
You just reminded me in a huge way why I’m doing all of this.  I forget sometimes.  I sat here for five minutes stunned, instant reaction from my eyes, inside of glasses suddenly wet for some strange reason and a deep ‘something’ feeling inside.  i don’t know what it’s called.  I’m not good at naming my own emotions very well.

This is why.  This.  This.  This. This sense that “somebody understands me”.  This sense that “I’m understood”… that somebody took the time to step in my brain and feel the feelings I can’t even name myself and understand the parts of me better than I do.   I want to make a difference.  I know there’s goodness out there.  I KNOW there’s goodness out there.  I try everything to find goodness and it’s here. It’s here.

I know why I’m here.  I know why humans are here.  _This_ – this is why we’re here.  This is why we all communicate with each other.  “Just notice me”.  Notice me.  You noticed me.

Everybody is my senpai.  Everybody is. I’m forever a kohai.  I’m the little boy who desperately wants to be the preacher, the professor, the guy who people point to and say, “Him: he’s worth listening to” and yet I’m surprised when anybody does.

Thank you for noticing me.  You strengthened me where I didn’t even realize I was weak.

Keep being you,   and doing WHATEVER it is that brings you that sense of fulfillment in life.  You have my full respect and gratitude.  Thank you and I will continue doing whatever it is that I’m doing: you helped me see that I must be doing something right and I believe you.  I believe you.  Thanks :D

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What this inspired me to write later on on Facebook:
=============================

Regarding the image: I’m not even sure who this is. It’s somebody who started following me at some point. I just received this tonight. Now, here’s what this got me to write just now. It’s very long but I had to get it out of me.
===================================================
Goals can be useful tools. Look far off into the horizon, have an objective, schedule milestones and set up a series of tasks to complete for each segment. Future oriented.

They are very useful tools for many aspects of life. In the USA, they’re incorporated into our schools and work lives. “Where do you see yourself five years from now?” Anybody in the USA (and perhaps elsewhere as well) has been asked this question. Some people know just what they want. Some people have a vague idea. Some come up blank, the question nearly meaningless.

I was always the third. I still am.

I do set goals and objectives and have used the typical tools of structured achievement when necessary, but they’re not “me”. I’m not goal oriented in quite the same fashion.

My goals are further off into the future than I can ever see and where I see goes very far indeed but it does begin to get hazy and unclear.

My goals are hopes and trusts. I have strong hopes for humanity and trust that time and people doing whatever it is they do, will lead us both to progress and retreat, status quo, stability and change alike.

Diplomacy is the way but it is not everybody’s way and so war and division will likely continue just as they have always done.

So, such is how it is.

So, what tiny part do I play in these goals without timelines and objectives without solid form?

Being myself. Encouraging others to do the same.

But who is myself? What am I asking of people when I encourage them to “be themselves”, cliche phrase that it is?

Does that mean, “Be independent?” Maybe. Maybe it means follow the crowd that you find suitable. Maybe pretending to be somebody else *is* how you are “being yourself”. I don’t know. It’s not up to me.

So, i try to speak for myself more often than attempting to speak for universals, as I can’t know what everybody’s selves needs or wants or shoulds are. Of course, sometimes I speak of them anyway. But I try to speak from my perspective as much as I can.

So, there’s me. Who am I? What *is* my perspective? What is my purpose? What is my goal for myself?

Am I a particular role? Am I many roles? Of course. Society is a generally scripted thing – the roles are out there to play and people have expectations of you depending on what role they see you in. So, on stage I go in life, as perhaps we all do, and perform as needed at times.

But then, what’s my own script? Do I know it? Who is writing it? Is it written? Is it a work in progress?

I don’t know.

Yet, sometimes I get a clue.

Tonight, several hours ago, I was tagged on a message on another network. I read it and I sat here, stunned.

I express myself freely in the online environment. I share what is important to me at that moment and try to write it or put it together in a way that I think will be accessible and understandable as well as something that expresses things that are hard or impossible to put into words.

What’s hard or impossible for me to put into words?

Me. Putting myself into everything so that I’m passed on along with the message… perhaps in the words.. perhaps in the spaces between words… but, somehow.

Perhaps I do have personal goals. A form of immortality through making a difference. Being allowed to observe some part of the impact I might have had on somebody’s existence. A moment where they felt noticed, included, belonging, understood, for that is what I want as well: To be noticed, included, belonging, understood.

Even more than that: Mattering.

So here, I got this. To know that someone has been watching, observing, following, paying attention, listening, feeling – all from something I do as a process of my participation in online life: is humbling. Amazing. Almost ridiculous.

No prize compares to this for me. No lottery. No Nobel Prize.

I know there is good in the world. I know there is. I don’t need this kind of feedback to know this. If nobody talked to me I’d still know this is true.

But still: that somebody took time out of their day to say something? It not only affirms my hope and trust in humanity but also lets me know that perhaps… I do play some small part of the good in the world.

I don’t believe myself but I believe her.

So, if you’ve read all of this: Thank you. I don’t have enough words to express it.

The takeaway of it all? Take a moment to let somebody know what difference they’ve made to you. I got my prize. Maybe there’s somebody who won’t expect to receive a prize from you, but can. Let them know how they’ve made a difference to you.

I can tell you first hand, it’s amazing.

 

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