I can get lost in a moment. a situation can arise, and I lose my sense of self. I become a reaction machine and it’s very uncomfortable because I lack self-awareness in those times. or rather it becomes obscured. As a child they called it inconsolable. Diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder at 11. catastrophizing all the time. instead of medicine, my mother took me to bio feedback lessons where I learned to control a computer with my emotions: I made noises go up and down, depending on my emotional state. I learned to breathe through my feet metaphorically or be a warm bottle in the sand and used guided meditation. etc.
they did not cure the anxiety, but they helped me cope.
A few years earlier, I was taught to correct a stutter by a speech pathologist. She encouraged me to create a little space in my mind to think the words before I spoke.
it grew with the guided meditation. I learned how a lucid dream a few years later, so I could have conversation conversations with my meta self in my dream and know that I was dreaming. i’ve worked with memory techniques which have questionable function for me – but some things that were successful with creating a little box in the corner of my mind where I keep the monsters locked up, but I hear them and acknowledge them.
I learned through meditation techniques to treat problems like cloud that pass by, but I see them.
and I could never be fully a Buddhist because I don’t want to lose myself. I can lose myself simply by not paying attention for a few minutes and being lost in the environment.
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