awkward is my friend

True enough.  I’ve had critics, mild and harsh and I try to respect their views of me and try to find some validity for their perspective while not allowing it to emotionally affect me.  I’m not suggesting you’re doing so; but rather responding that when others characterize/mischaracterize me, it’s fine – and even when I mischaracterize what I perceive to be characterizations of me… and so on.

Muddling is my zen.  For me, striving for clarity and precision and focus gives me a headache.  I like my messy room and my messy mind; I doubt there’s a soul who doesn’t have some sort of muddle deep beneath clarity and precision.

Is this imposing my own mess and ascribing it to all humanity?  Absolutely :D But it’s the awkward that I find most fascinating, the bones aching, 5 foot 2″ size 12 foot tripping up the stairs and voice cracking pubescent me that’s never left.  I’m the crying-for-my-mommy-first-day-of-kindergarten… the boy lost in the big city, and the preacher at the podium, politician and General, smart-ass film critic and backtalking 4th grader, “got-it-all-figured-out grownup”, Superhero gonna-save-the-world all mixed together.

Honestly, I prefer being the 42 year old, bearded 6′ tall handsome guy I’ve become and suspect I’ll have a similarly pleased-with-myself attitude in later decades as I’ve had before, always describing my experiences to my younger selves and trying to help them comprehend their own awkwardnesses as I progress forward through Time.

The glimpses of how I’m characterized on occasion I don’t take as attacks but opportunities for growth.  I relish the challenge of “you’re wrong and here’s why” not so I can convince someone else of my intellect or clarity but as a challenge to convince myself as to where they could be right about me, in as dispassionate a way possible

When someone is off-balance, I like that their center of gravity actually is, for a moment, awkwardly just outside of their own bodies.  It is where I leave the narrow path to those who are better capable of keeping their centers within them; the off-balance state is a strangely comfortable one for me.  It allows me to empathize with the awkwardness in others by experiencing it continually in myself and learning to cope through acceptance of it.

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